Monday, February 28, 2005

Viruses n' Things

I've been gone for a few days, not because of the crud virus going around, but due to a computer one. Suddenly, I got an error message box telling me I can't sign on because of my firewall.

I looked down screen, and lo and behold, the little box says firewall not on. I go to tech support...No, not in India, but the corner Pub, you know, where all of the experts hang out...

I got one such expert who solemnly pronounced, "you are infected." I quickly moved my bar stool a little further away, out of concern for his health. No! No! He replied, not you, your computer! Well, I had guessed already that something was wrong with my computer. So, I went home, and activated spydestroyer, or whatever...

After two hours, it informed me that I had one such unwelcome visitor...I quickly then activated McAfee Virus destroyer, which took the rest of the night.

I bounced out of bed this morning, brimming with righteous enthusiasm. I beat the system, right? Wrong. I powered up, clicked on AOL and sat back with a satisfied smirk on my face...Right! Up clicks the aforementioned error window. I follow all of the troubleshooting directions.

Have any of you noticed that when they tell you to go to the start button, then click on whatever, that there is no such thing called whatever in the start menu? Maybe their instructions are for windows 95, instead of XP.

Now I'm going to outsmart the system. I click on Microsoft Explorer, instead of AOL.

I go to Netscape, thence to AOL I'm in! Oh happy day...But wait, up popped a security message..."YOU HAVE 247 SERIOUS PROBLEMS IN YOUR COMPUTER." Funny, I thought I only had one. So I click on this new Sheriff in town. For only $29.95, I can get rid of all 247 errors in my computer...You know, the ones I had already used McAfee and Spywhatever to eradicate.

I sighed, and paid the $29.95. Say, you don't suppose? No, of course not! Who would be that devious.

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