Wednesday, August 02, 2006


I learned something of value this week. Actually, I learn something of value every week, but this one was special.

I had just posted my last,"Whacko." I was in the process of copying my first paragraph for the purpose of pasting it to INWBA. Bad things began to happen. In three tries, I failed to highlight the offending three lines.

Every time I tried, the whole article would turn blue. I couldn't get the @*&%#@@ lines to highlight separately. I turned blue. I decided, (I had a few drinks prior to this decision) to punish my computer.

Never try to punish your computer. This mass of chips and garbage invented by that #@%*@# guy Bill Gates, is in charge. I head butted my screen. Nothing. Then I slammed my mouse down hard on my pad. That got my computer's attention alright.

The mouse was broke. The moral of this story is, of course, never try to outsmart the ugly gnomes that inhabit the mysterious computer. I was out of touch for three days, until I could run to town, get Office Max to recommend a new mouse, (I am now the proud owner of a Microsoft mouse) and then streak back to Bayview to install it.

Actually, remembering the 70's, streaking might not be the correct terminology. Bottom line, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DISCIPLINE YOUR COMPUTER. IT WILL RETALIATE.


stebbijo said...

Funny --

One time I had an account executive and an IBM technician try to fix my struggling printer that would only print certain programs -- it was uncanny. I took it a part and carted it to these masterminds who might be able to help me. Finally I found a computer repair store that took the pencil that was caught beneath the roller (old old model) out for 75 bucks. We made it so difficult -- back then the hacker and virus scare was like getting Cancer and I wasn't even hooked up to the internet -- but I had just bought on to some new business software so we made it way too difficult. One more reason to use the KISS method.

Bill McCrory said...


Computer 1, Herb zilch.

Here's a technique that is surprisingly effective with computers that have a mind of their own: Go to your favorite hardware store or tool distributor and buy a large rubber mallet. Place it next to the computer in plain view so the computer can see it. Under no circumstances should the mallet touch the computer. Just use the mallet as an intimidator to remind the computer who's really in charge. By the way, this solution was suggested by the same guy who told you commercial airliners could be remotely controlled by the See Eye Eh.